Semi Shattered Lives
by benzbabidoll
Summary: A collection of thoughts that just want to be recognized.
1. Rhythm

_I'm getting back on the fanfiction horse._

_These are just going to be collections of thoughts and things I wanted to put into a story, but nothing full blown out. Just some drabbles. They will switch up to different subjects/people's perspectives as I write each new chapter._

_Some will be angst, fluff, sexual stuff , suicide, depression. Just_ _whatever emotion I decide to put these characters through._

_Rated PG-13. Swearing. (Drug-Use, Sexuality in later chapters. Could change to R)_

_Josh. How I wish to be exactly like you one day. Minus the male-ness...and the hair...maybe I just want your brain. Some of your shirts as well..._

/- - - - / - - - - / - - - - / - - - - / - - - - /

She heard the knocks.

She wasn't in the mood to become a seasonal queen today. She wanted sleep. She wanted to be whole again. She wanted the hole in her heart that ached so deeply to be filled again.

Her heart's black now. Corroding more and more each day he's gone.

She didn't want to be depressed.

Disheartened. Grotesque. Melodramatic. Defenceless. Vulnerable. Alone.

She layed upon her bed, staring at the door that was furiously being drummed upon.

He had rhythm.

He chimed her name. "Summer". He repeated it over and over. It sounded like a song...

She got off the bed and walked over to the door. She paused knowing the day was finally here. This was her fate. She put her petite hand over the handle and pulled towards her body. She saw him.

He was scruffy. He was the colour of chestnut. His jew-fro had been cut off and he was in definite need of a shave. He smelled of seawater and a musky cheap cologne. He had a new scar that he didn't have before underneath his nose.

They didn't speak. Just stared into each other's eyes.

She tried to read him but couldn't. Her eyes kept wandering towards the tiny scar.

She wondered how he got it.

How, the last 3 months had been a blur to her. She knew nothing about him.

The scar told her that. He wasn't him. He's seen different things in the last bit. He wasn't the boy that he used to be. He was a man.

She wanted to shut the door in his face.

She wanted to be angry and scream.

She wanted to slap him and make him hurt just as much as he made her hurt.

But all the pain disappeared.

She wished she wouldn't have opened the door.

Just his sight of him filled the hole back up. Her heart was red again. Crimson.

She never could resist his rhythm.

_Yeah, So I will probably write one of these each day. Hopefully I can get some feedback, let me know if someone is actually reading them. _

_I'm in the process of writing 2 fics right now. One-parters. A Summer, and A Ryan. Be on the look out._


	2. Alone

_Jesus. It's 1:02am. I need to up at 9:00am. I feel like writing, so I'm going to. Another installment._

**_carpanther21: _**_I'm sorry if I got your name wrong. Anyway, It was like as much as she wanted to hurt him, make him feel her pain she couldn't, she could never resist Seth Cohen. I hope that helps._

_Hopefully more people will review!_

_/- - - - / - - - - / - - - - / - - - _- / - - - - /

Sometimes, she'll scream out loud.

To prove that she's not alone.

The castle she lives in almost seems as if it gets a bit smaller when she does so.

Caleb started to work a lot more. When he was around, he'd stay up so late in his office.

Handing her a credit card was his way of telling her that he loved her.

She didn't mind.

Marissa started to party more. She became accustomed to Holly's beach bashes.

She had stopped hanging out with Summer when she needed her the most. Marissa told her she had to many problems and she was becoming a loser like the boyfriend that left her. She left Summer in shambles.

Marissa was the one with problems.

She needs that treatment centre.

I noticed when she came home, eyes ruby or when she didn't come home at all.

Caitlin has decided to take a turn and walk in Marissa's shoes. She had moved back with Jimmy. She said she couldn't put up with this.

I wish I could tell her I can't either.

Everyone must think I'm horrible.

I can't raise my kids. There better off with the man whole stole half of Newport's millions.

My children are better with a thief. Somehow, that makes her seem a bit lower.

She is loved by some. Hated by many. Yet, envied by plenty.

Or, so she likes to think.

She is the only one that can pull off sleeping with her daughters ex.

Kirsten could never do it.

But, Kirsten has something Julie doesn't have.

She has a heart.

One of gold.

Julie can only laugh as she looks out upon the balcony.

Kirsten's children have left her.

Now her and Julie have something in common.

Being Alone.

That makes Julie feel a bit better.

_Please review. _


	3. Shoes

_Yes! I am on a roll. Maybe, just maybe, I'll update on my other stories tomorrow. I'm glad this one's been frequent with the updates._

_This is a Seth drabble. It's kind of slashy, but you'll enjoy it._

/- - - - / - - - -/ - - - -/ - - - - /- - - - /

His life was out there now.

He'd been on this fucking boat for 3 days.

He had changed directions many times.

He didn't know where he was leading himself.

He was in denial.

He was depressed and felt as if his life had shattered into a million pieces.

Ryan was gone. He wasn't coming back.

Seth couldn't live without him.

Sometimes he'd look at Ryan and see what everyone else didn't see.

The emotions he kept bottled up.

His secret love for comic books, that he would never admit.

How he appreciated the screaming-music Seth got him to listen too. He always would act like it bothered him in front of people, but he never had a problem when it was just them.

How he was a knight in shining armour.

Not just Marissa's, or Teresa's. His.

He saved him from another year of hell.

He could never repay him.

He knew all good things came to and end, he just didn't think it would happen. He liked to think that it never would.

He blames Marissa for all of this, only because she's easiest to blame.

Deep down, he knows it's his fault.

He could have been there.

Could have believed him.

Should've, Could've, Would've but didn't.

Seth didn't do anything except sit back and enjoy his free ride.

The woman of his dreams.

The friends he never had.

The family that understood him.

And the brother he never got, till then.

He knows that it was all to good to be true, and all good things must come to an end.

Deep down, he didn't want to believe it though. He was to used to the life he'd been living.

He didn't want piss in his shoes.

He didn't want to become the comic nerd who sat alone at lunch and was called a queer and a homo by every water polo joke that passed him by. Who shaved there chests?

He didn't want that back, so he left.

He left his girlfriend, his parents and Ryan.

Except he decided to keep it as Ryan left him first, so he could do the same. Like Copy-Cat. He was 5 all over again.

He wondered if they were worried, or even cared. He thought maybe they were glad to see him go, get the hell out of there way.

He wondered if Ryan would shrug it off.

Maybe he would come home?

Except Seth didn't know much about home anymore.

He abandoned his home.

His life.

So now he sailed...

He sailed into the night, without a clue of where he was going to end up, but he knew his life was out there.

No one would piss in his shoes again.

_Now, I'm praying to Moses and Jesus, that I can get some more reviews. The ones I've got have been great, it's the reason I'm still going! More would be appreciated though._


	4. Homesick

_You've all been asking for Ryan, and who am I to say you can't have him. I wanted to write him first, but to me he's harder yo write. Yet, my favourite to write._

_Onwards._

_Dear Joshy, I know, Twas amazing. Now, hand me creator-ship and I'll leave you be._

/- - - - / - - - - / - - - - / - - - - /

It's been problem after problem.

Sometimes when my mother stopped feeding herself into the ocean of a ragged brown, or clear poison my life was good.

I didn't mind living where I did. I didn't mind being stuck here.

I loved my life, I loved my family.

I only learned early on that those fairytales had two weeks maximum.

She's go back to the poison and do lines with her latest fling.

I started to learn early on that home wasn't where the heart was.

Because my heart didn't go out to yelling and beating.

I learned early on home was what killed a bit of me each day.

Trey used to tell me that I was better then the life we were given. I deserved more. He knew one day I'd be something.

Even Dawn said it when she wasn't drowned in her latest ocean.

She said how much she wanted to give us, how sorry she always was.

After the age of nine, I'd heard sorry so many times that it didn't really mean much.

They'd only do the same thing again.

I caught my first break when Sandy brought me to his place.

I started to think of it as my home after a while.

It even came equipped with a mother, father and brother. Ones that didn't beat me to show they cared. Ones that didn't yell if I spilt juice. People who were proud of me. They didn't judge.

They loved me, unconditionally.

It was the first time that the word 'home' was actually filled with love and a meaning. Not yelling and beatings.

Then, I left.

I left the people that loved me to go back.

I went back to where home was supposed to be.

Where I needed to get used to it again.

Seth called me. He'd left Newport to sail. Wouldn't tell me where he was, wouldn't let me ask him a thing. He only asked me something I didn't really know the answer to yet.

'How could you back there?'

I couldn't help but notice the emphasise on 'there'.

It filled me with something. I was so infuriated with him. I new he was characterizing where I went back to. That 'Chino' was no 'Newport'. To him, it was the slums of hell.

There was no sunshine in Chino. There was only darkness and despair..

'I came back home Seth.' He breathed heavily through his nose making a sound of the same anger that filled my veins.

My eyes started to tear as I listened to the click on the other end of the line.

The anger disappeared, so did a part of my heart.

That was the first time I had lied to Seth.

Home wasn't here. I was out of place now. I couldn't even wake up in the morning and be me, I could only sit and bed and dread what was going to come of my day. Hoping that this bad dream would just end.

The Cohens was the first place where I could be me and not feel like a reject. Unwanted. Unacceptable.

I had to get used to this life, this is where I needed to be. I had to support Teresa and my child.

Eddie's child.

Someone's child.

I couldn't get it out of my head though.

How could I leave to come here?

How could I come back to this hell?

I think it was one of the only times where Seth actually made sense.

I ended up calling Sandy later that day.

I was feeling a bit homesick.

_Well, hope you guys enjoy it. Thank you for the wonderful reviews! I'll always except more!_


	5. Lost Grip

_Well, looks like I didn't fulfill my 'chapter everyday' rule, I was bound to get busy. I think it's worse that I also made this short. So you guys can be mad, but I will have a new perspective up everyday for the next week. So, I think It will make up for it._

_Josh, let's get married, let me have your rich/stuck-up/pool-house loving children._

_/ - - - - / - - - - / - - - - / - - - _- /

He left me weak and alone.

Hanging on this rope wasn't an option anymore.

How stupid could I be?

I fell madly in love with the boy from Chino. It was promising from the start.

I fell under his ways.

He was like some kind of drug.

I needed more, I had to get more. So, he gave me more.

He gave me what I needed to survive. He kept me going through the day and kept me screaming for more during the night.

Yet, the girl who was anything and everything, wasn't good enough.

Who knew that this would unravel before my eyes the way it did.

Seth could blame it on me. He could tell me that it was me who brought 'Oliver' into the picture in the first place and that's when all the problems started.

Like he expected me to believe Ryan over Oliver?

Pool house verses penthouse...

I wonder what the obvious choice in all that was? Except, the obvious was the wrong choice.

A fucking gun to the head was the only thing that showed me that.

If he wants to get technical, It was Ryan who wanted me to god damn therapy so bad in the first place!

Great job Marissa.

You couldn't even keep Ryan and he was nothing compared to you.

Except, he was everything.

I needed him. I _need_ him now.

I fell in love with Ryan but I'll only tell you that.

You can't leave.

You'll always be here to turn too.

Your taste leaves me burning, yet takes me out of my hell just long enough to be trapped in this all so familiar ocean. A clean poisonous ocean.

I've become a wreck.

I've lost grip.

Everything has fallen apart.

He had to leave. He needs to take care of his child.

I could have trusted him from the start.

I didn't have to base his old life on who he was. How he acted.

Something tells me that a lot of this wouldn't of happened if he really was the cousin from Boston.

_Well, I hope you guys enjoyed that. Please Review!_


	6. Raining

_Well this is my shot at The Kirsten. Hope you enjoy._

_/ - - - - / - - - -/ - - - - / - - - -/_

She always loved the sound of birds chirping when she woke up.

She loved the smell of Ryan's cooking that enlightened the house every morning.

She remembers the first weekend he came.

She hated the fact of some hoodlum living in her home.

Figuring out ways to steal their things. Manipulating her son and husband.

She was almost 100 percent serious when she said she was going to lock up her jewelry in the vault.

It wasn't long after that she too was manipulated by the little delinquent.

She fell in love with him.

He was her own.

To anyone who didn't know, he came from her stomach.

Her had her heart.

She tried not to think about his gruesome past. She liked to think that he lived here his entire life.

His ways showed her everyday that it was never like that.

He was always so distant. He wouldn't accept new clothes without a fight. She just recently found out that he enjoyed peach juice more than apple. She never once had peach juice in the house, but would have gladly bought it if she would have known.

She always wanted him to be comfortable and when it started to happen, he was taken away.

He'd gotten Teresa pregnant.

He needed to help her. Needed to rescue the 'damsel in distress' once again.

She thought that maybe this was his break, he could be the child he never got to be. She slipped on her game and look what happened.

She blamed herself for him having to go back.

She wanted so bad to go back in time and pay a little more attention to him. Lead him in a better direction.

She blamed herself because it would never happen to Seth.

She always had on her 'A' game with Seth. Her 'B' game with Ryan.

This was Kirsten's second chance at a son.

She's always wanted two, and when she got the chance 16 years later to be a mother once again she screwed up.

She hugged him goodbye and let him walk out of her life.

She wept so much after he left. Letting herself into the pool house, grabbing onto his sheets for dear life pretending they were him and she wouldn't let go.

Sandy brushed her hair out of her face and wiped her tears. He assured her how everything would work out, he'd come home.

She passed out upon Ryan's bed. Dreaming of the first time they went shopping together and how she knew that day how much she wanted him in her life.

Sandy told her that there wasn't going to be a return policy.

Yet he has returned back to Chino.

She looked out the window at the baby blue sky. The sun radiating against the water in the pool giving it a glistening effect.

She smiled slightly.

A beautiful day. That Lifted her spirits slightly.

She knew it would be hard to get over the loss of Ryan but she'd have Seth and Sandy to help her.

She walked towards the main house and opened the door.

Sandy stood there bearing a letter with there names in black ink.

She looked at his grim expression and had already known.

She just wasn't losing Ryan, Seth was gone as well.

Suddenly she looked outside and got angry. She stared upon the sky and muttered under her breath.

'I wish it was raining.'

_Okay. So when I did the end I was listening to 'Hate Every Beautiful Day' by Sugarcult. I was listening to the part, -I wish It was raining because I hate every beautiful day!_-. _That's when I thought of this. I hope you guys understand it. It's kind of hard to lead by right in the end when I through that sentence in there. I thought it might help buy writing in the song where I took it from._


	7. Repeating

_So I'm back. I'm a horrible promise keeper. I'm sorry._

_I don't own anything, but I am intrigued by blonde boys who live in the poolhouse. Wouldn't mind owing one of those._

/- - - - / - - - - / -- - - -/ - - - - /

Many men wouldn't do what he had just done.

Jimmy did it once, look how that turned out.

But he took a shot at it. He was better than Jimmy. He could make it succeed.

He married the devil. Well..the closest thing other than himself.

He's okay with that.

He's okay with everyone knowing that their the new power couple.

He's okay that their being referred to as the 'gruesome twosome'. He knows it's true.

When people talk about her, he always joins in the raillery.

They say she's a gold digger. He nods. That's how it was when she was with Jimmy. Not now, he thinks.

She's a cold heartless bitch. He laughs. She's always had an attitude problem.

She's a tomcat in the sack. The grin widens.

There aren't any nights when he's been left unsatisfied.

But he fell for the cold heartless bitch. He stopped thinking about the nasty things they said. He even stopped laughing and agreeing with them. Sometimes, he'd stick up for her.

She was nothing like his last wife. In fact, she was the exact opposite.

That's why.

He wanted someone like him. Someone who was been corrupted. That's when he thought of her. At first, it wasn't because of who she was, or it wouldn't have been an option. No, his wife took a part of him when she died, but Julie managed to fill that void. He thought it wasn't possible. He thought it would just look good in the limelight.

She had the same pain.

Same emptiness.

The could help each other.

She could keep filling his void, and he could keep giving her money.

Now, things are getting harder. The money is slowly deteriorating.

He thinks that maybe underneath it all he sees more than just hate that fills her. He sees the love he feels about her directed to him as well.

She wouldn't leave him once she finds out.

She won't leave him after she finds out her ex-husband is now rich, and her new one is not.

She loves him.

There meant to be.

Because, she loves him.

He repeats it over and over and maybe after a while, it will make it more true.

_I'll Update again later tonight. A Ryan perspective. _


End file.
